“Lisa” (pseudonym) is a lady in her early 30s who struggles with her sexual abuse during her childhood. She has gone through much in acknowledging her past, accepting it, and is in the process of healing from it. Some days are better, other days remain difficult. She writes and draws to help her cope with her experience. The purpose of her sharing her sacred and vulnerable journey is to send a strong message to all women who experience the same childhood sexual abuse :

Lisa wants you to know that you do not have to hide away in shame; she wants you to know that it’s not your fault; she wants you to know that help is available, and most of all, she wants you to know that although healing is painful, you are not alone. You are important and have self-worth. May the sharing of this powerful article reach behind the closed doors of many.

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City of Black Zone

In my mind, there are doors, columns, walls, zones and compartments. Some doors are locked, tight shut, walls as high as the sky, zones that said ‘do not enter’ with yellow and black ribbon as a warning sign. I never realized that it’s existence coz it’s tucked right deep in that corner of the mind that’s so deep and dark, it looked like a black hole vortex. Whenever anyone including me gets close to it, it felt like I will be sucked in and be transported to another time zone, another world. I never really felt the need to get there nor acknowledge that vortex coz.. well there’s not a need for it.

These days, these weeks, these months… the experiences that I have, make me realize the existence of it, the darkness it represents and even somehow got myself to explore parts of what is inside. Reflecting back, I felt that the black zone – now I called it the black zone of my mind is operated by one thing: fear. Fear of different intensity that’s cordoned by walls, zones, columns, rooms; sanctioned by walls as short as the height of a toothpick and as tall as the walls that could reach the sky.

Sometimes I walk and explore my black zone, sometimes I run, crawl, hide. Sometimes I bring people in for help, sometimes I see them scatter, sometimes they return and came back when I needed the extra hand. The one that’s been most consistent has been my therapist. I see her coming in, staying, going off and coming back. Walking around with me, exploring, understanding the city of black zone.

Nowadays I see the landscape of black zone.. to be changing. There’s lighter shade of darkness.. there’s some light shining down to it. Even if it means a dim light at one corner of the room. What used to be a dark, silent, fearful, solemn, silent scream, silent woes, silent cries area … now has slightly changed. It’s like as if there’s tremor that’s been shaking the city of black hole. The tremor has been persistent this time round, shaking at different parts of the zones and columns and walls.

Some of those black and yellow tapes have been cut through or disappeared, walls have fallen on the ground, leaving debris and dust particles filled the air, some walls have cracked open, some doors are unlocked, half opened- those are the areas where I see some light passing through. Some zones now have bigger boundaries- it’s like as if 2 zones have combined into 1 big area. One can create a new town in that new area, a potential to create a new dwelling, inviting new dwellers.

There are also some zones and walls and rooms that are so sturdy, doesn’t have any impact to the tremors. It’s like as if it’s built using metal bricks. The rootedness is so deep and strong, I do not have the courage to go near 10 km radius of it. The radiation from darkness is so deep, I’m not walking anywhere near it.

That’s the current state of my “city of black zone” as I call it. It exists. I’m in it. Exploring, understanding, appreciating. I don’t know how to accept it and make it a part of me yet. But it’s there.